I’ve recently become very comfortable with the idea of ending up a solitary old cat lady. The main problem here is that post-puberty life seems to have left me allergic to cats. This is one of the meanest, pettiest, and most personal attacks the universe has laid on me in recent years. But I say, fuck you universe. I’ll be a batshitcrazy cat lady with a bulbous red nose, equal parts allergies and alcoholism.

Goals: I have them.

And I will buy my cats on Craigslist. Pet listings are one of the best parts of Craigslist, right up there with “Rooms/Shared” and (of course) “Missed Connections.” Some of the pet listings are about lost kittens and make me cry, but the ones where I will personally do my duty some day are the ones about old cats. Like the 12-year-old overweight Persian whose old lady owner died and nobody in the family wants it. That cat’s gonna be so mine. The problem is, there are about 40 listings just like that in any given week, so I’m gonna end up with a lot of cats. But that’s okay. Nobody said this was gonna be easy. It’s a goal, and oh how I will rise to the challenge to meet it.