Freddy
This comic is pretty inside-jokey, because in order to get it, you really have to know Freddy.
Freddy is violently opposed to having any discussion or representation of himself on the internet, so this comic alone is enough to enrage him, and any extra words below are just more fuel on the fire. But. Freddy is a character. And I like characters.
This academic year marks Freddy’s eighth year as a Hampshire student, though he hasn’t been officially enrolled for all of that. This means that when Freddy began his freshman year of college, I was beginning my freshman year of high school. This means Freddy is about 26 years old now.
But Freddy is a man with a plan. A five-part plan, to be exact. Completing his Division III, he says, will also mark the completion of Part 1. He is very, very vague about what the other four parts entail, but apparently Part 5 involves gathering his people-people to him.
“People-people,” in case that term confused you, is what Freddy calls the people he is good friends with. I am a people-person. To become one of Freddy’s people, you generally have to allow him to subject you to a barrage of questions, the most prominent of which is “what would you die for?” He tries to find something you care about more than anything else in the world, that you would be willing to sacrifice your life for. For him, it’s The Plan.
Freddy also has a thing about names. Every female he knows is referred to as “girl.” Every male is “kid.” Professors are generally “Mister.” This democratization of names can get pretty funny, like when Freddy introduces you to someone (“Girl, meet kid.”), or when he’s looking for someone (“Girl, where did girl go?”).
If you want a more unusual name, Freddy has a list of 16 names that one can opt for instead of the standard. However, he won’t tell you what the names are, so you have to ask around to find out. No one I’ve asked has been able to come up with all 16, but I do know that “Miss,” “Madam,” “Hot Mama,” and “Gabe” are among them. If you want your name changed, you have to ask Freddy three times before he’ll agree.
Romantic relationships are also rather regulated with Freddy. He maintains that he loves and hates everything. And he maintains that he is in a relationship with every single female. Thus, his way of asking whether I was seeing anyone, when I came back to school this fall, was “Girl, are we still together?” I reluctantly acknowledged that we were.
Freddy also says that he owns everything. Thus, if you say, “Freddy, give me that burrito,” he’ll say “MY burrito,” but still give it to you. This doesn’t generally bother me, unless I make some reference to my comics, and Freddy insists “MY comics.” As mentioned in this comic, he does indeed refer to most any object, tangible and intangible, as “small one.” Though I’ve heard he met defeat in the face of my friend Sasha’s breasts, admitting that they were “large ones.”
Simple phrases like “sorry” and “thank you” are not allowed around Freddy. He thinks they’re insincere. Thus, if you absent-mindedly say “Thanks, Freddy,” he will reprimand you with a firm “Don’t give me none of your bullcrap!” Sometimes, when he’s particularly upset or surprised, he’ll pull out the phrase “Son of a freakin’ thing-y!” Also: he insists I have the last panel of this “small one” wrong: it should be “Have fun, be careful, I’ll see you when I see you!” That’s what he says, really really fast, every time he bids adieu.
Hampshire students: DO NOT TELL HIM this page exists, and please, please add your own Freddy anecdotes in the comments!
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Freddy and I would not get along.
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Freddy basically lived in my mod during my fourth year at Hampshire (Fall 07-Spring 08), the latter half of which he was not enrolled but no one knew for the first 2 months of the semester. While he would never ask to watch anything specifically, he would “stay in the room” if I were to put a movie on. The best was when we would watch westerns together at 7 am (as I was an early riser and he barely slept).
I miss Freddy a lot, where has he been hanging out around campus? If I knew, I would love to see him. He always had the best advice.
Tell him Mister says hi.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Athena: Possibly one of the best concise explanations of Freddy ever.
also if you get tattoos they instantly belong to you. So i think the only solution to your comics problem to acquire them all in tattoo form…
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I talked to Freddy the other night and found out that he was apparently only supposed to be at Hampshire for one year, not the eight he has ended up here for. Supposedly he only expected his experiment to take one year to complete. Thankfully for readers of your comic, it’s taken a little longer then expected.
October 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
As a cartoonist, I think you may have found your “Garfield.” I see coffee mugs and calendars.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
I have mixed feelings about Freddy. On one hand, the view interactions I’ve had with him have been perfectly pleasant. On the other, I can’t help but suspect his behavior is calculated, and I sort of resent people rewarding him by building up this huge Mythology of Freddy.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:15 am
I hated when Mike Doyle and Freddy watched Westerns at 7 AM. I also hated knowing that he was could be lurking in that living room at any point in the night… listening. But now he doesn’t lurk where I sleep, so we can be friends.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t think you would.
Doyle: I will tell Freddy whenever I see him! He still doesn’t sleep much, so it could be anytime, I suppose. I have no idea how he manages to exist like that. Also, sir, I caught up on your comic the other day, and had great fun reading the 12-part epic about Peter’s birthday. You dudes are funny, and you make Boston look like a good time. I hope I’ll see you all together someday.
Sasha: Why thank you! And woah, I think you have just found the excuse to tip the scales as to whether I should ever get a tattoo…
Sarah: That is amazing! Damn, it makes me feel a little sad about the plan, though.
McCarthy: OH my GOD. You are so, so right. Freddy merchandise is CLEARLY the next step. He would be furious!
Dylan: I suspect that all of YOUR behavior is calculated, and resent others for building up a Mythology of Dylan. You’re just jealous ’cause Freddy’s Mythology is bigger than yours.
Lizz: Yeah, Freddy having his own room has changed everything.
November 27th, 2009 at 8:09 am
heh, nice. I’m a prof’s kid, and I’ve heard stories about Freddy- like how a genderqueer student didn’t like being called “girl,” and said so. When Freddy asked what ze was, ze said, “Well, I’m just a person!” So now, whenever Freddy sees zir, he says “Person”.
November 28th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Freddy won’t accept “thank you” but he has no rules – and thusly gets very frustrated – if he does something for you and then you say “you’re welcome.”
November 29th, 2009 at 2:38 am
SimWebb: Ha, that’s really cool! I’m glad even the professors pass along Freddy stories. And for your own sake, I hope you get to meet him in the flesh someday.
Chris: I said “you’re welcome” to Freddy this very evening. He was very annoyed.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:10 am
I believe that this counts as a reliable source. I shall have to quote it. In my Wikipedia article about Freddy.
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:07 am
YES. This Freddy article strove for utmost accuracy; I’m glad you see it this way.