February 5th, 2010
Homesick
I thought this was a good visual gag. (Oh man gag do you get it.)
Holy shit I am so stressed about money/jobs/the future right now. To the point that I literally cannot think straight about any of it. I feel completely paralyzed. Ughhhhh. I’m an idiot: I should have applied to like FIFTY grad schools and jobs (including some in Minneapolis…) so I’d have more options and control. I don’t want to go into tons of debt. I don’t want to be as lonely next year as I am right now. Bluhhhh somebody else tell me all the answers please. This sucks.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:07 am
I don’t have answers but I did some calculations:
based on my 4 grad school application process (that’s 8% of fifty) it would have cost you approximately $2, 973.50 to apply to 50 grad schools, in application fees alone so I don’t know if that would help you financially since you can only go to one. So don’t worry, you didn’t mess up by not applying to 50 grad schools! Math does not lie. (not to mention it would have to be your div III to apply to that many places or you would have to get a time turner even with your work ethic because they take so darn long.)
But money is dumb and I am sorry that it is occupying so much of your head space right now. And homesickness is not dumb but it is rather consuming. But you are going to a great program where you can do what you love for two years, and because you love it you will get so good at it that you will find a way to sustain it financially, and be able to do what you want! I determined that with subjectivity math. So all I know is that I think you are great and I think you will do great things, and maybe be a little homesick in the process which will be hard but you are also awesome enough to make it through. And then Minnesota. And if you get homesick or even if you don’t I will send you postcards if I am trying to be concise and letters if I am failing at concision, wherever you are which is probably not much of a consolation prize, but still.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:15 am
no answers, but a recommendation: RUN AWAY. just for an afternoon. FOR REAL, bundle up and go outside. bring a lunch. get away from the things you’ve been seeing everyday (see some trees? and squirrels?)
Just because I bet you’ve over-thought things to the point where a break from thinking is the most constructive thing you can do.
LOOOOOVE,
madelyn
February 5th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Athena, don’t worry so much about it. Worst case scenario are there any transferring options? Besides, you’ll be there with good friends. As for being closer to home, who knows if that’s what you’ll really want a couple years down the line? You’ll be fine, you’re too young to make a big mess of things.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
You’ll find as you get closer and closer to the home stretch these thoughts will be occupying your mind more and. The best advice really is don’t panic. You’ll be absolutely fine. Take the last months of school to really enjoy it. Money issues are tough and stressful, I’ve found if you make a budget and look at it it’s an easier prospect to deal with.
But the worst thing you can do is panic, cause that’s when your liable to miss the really good stuff.
February 6th, 2010 at 11:03 am
What great advice you have from your readers. Who are all these wonderful people? And when can I meet them? (The ones I don’t know, anyway). Life is most definitely a roller coaster, and you’re down in the trough. You’ll go up again, and hopefully find a fair stretch of level terrain.
I love you.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Aw, gee, thank you guys so much for all the lovely words! Mom: this really is a stellar selection of Hampshire people. (And Madelyn!)
Kate: Ha! Good to know that I’ve saved myself some application fees, if nothing else. I just wish I’d put at least a FEW more in the mail, so I’d have a few options. And you are right, money is dumb. Or at any rate, it feels especially so right now.
And I can’t pretend it’s not a factor in my decision-making process. It was a very, very large part of my ending up at Hampshire. I really dislike taking financial risks, especially when there are alternatives.
And damn, I really don’t think I can ignore the homesickness anymore. After four years of Hampshire, I’ve realized that homesickness also has to be a factor in my decision.
Madelyn: I have DEFINITELY been taking the “run away” advice. I have made frequent trips to Amherst and Northampton over the past few days. If only to sit in a library or a coffee shop. It definitely helps clear the head for awhile.
Tam: Yeah, you’re right, worrying is always a waste of time. But lord that’s never stopped me from doing it… And I guess I’ve got to talk/worry my way through this for awhile yet.
Will: Thank you VERY much for the advice! It really does mean a lot to hear “you’ll be absolutely fine” from an alum who had to face the real world a whole three years ago. And I really don’t want to miss the good stuff.
Ach. I know that it will work out in that I will not DIE nor will I become homeless. But for now, it’s still scary. Sorry if I got any of you guys scared too…